A Survivor's Reflection
(Written on September 19th, 2020)
Six years ago, I woke up in a dorm that was not mine. The final hours of the previous night were blank. When I returned to my room, I noticed my lips were swollen, my nose was bloody. Later, when I texted the boy I'd apparently spent the night with, he said he had blacked out too, and didn't know what happened. He was the first friend I'd made organically on campus, not a fellow athlete, not a classmate, just someone who I hit it off with. We shared poems and music and he supported me through my breakup. After that night, he distanced himself from me until we no longer said hello when we ran into each other.
I was a freshman, and it was my fourth week on campus. This night was in the middle of the "red zone," the first six weeks of college when rates of on-campus sexual assault are at their highest. Alcohol and denial are powerful things. It took three months of memories slowly coming back to me before I realized what had happened. I never reported it to anyone, because I had been drinking, and I knew reporting would most likely mean a lot more pain for nothing.
I watched the #MeToo movement unfold, couldn't bring myself to add my story to the countless others. There's been so much shame, so much more revictimization and trauma that I've only begun to heal from in the last two years. I haven't always been the best support for other survivors in my life, wanting so desperately to distance myself from cycles of trauma and hurt. The guilt is the worst part some days, knowing that I could've been a better friend to those who needed me, just like I needed my friends who were there for me.
It took so long, but I know this wasn't my fault. Some days are harder than others, especially days like today. But I know how to be self compassionate, how to be patient with myself, how to ask for help when I need it. Today, I got my first pumpkin spice coffee of the season, and sat and read in the park for a few hours. I got my favorite ice cream at Whole Foods, and let myself relax and watch Twilight movies. Sometimes all we need is to give ourselves permission to be kind and patient with ourselves, and notice how beautiful life can be.
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